Christmas just wasn't Christmas......

Well, Christmas has officially come and gone this year. The sad part was that the only exciting thing about Christmas was watching it be over with. Christmas just felt like one big sham this year. I just felt like we were all gathered around opening presents just because it seemed like a good idea. It was like 50 degrees outside and nothing felt like it's suppose to. And then Joe called me on Christmas morning and I greeted him with, "Merry Christmas!" And he just said, "No, it's just Christmas." He was having a really rough day... being half a world away from all your family and friends on Christmas... there's very little else that is that depressing. I missed having him here to share all the memories with. But when it was all said and done, I was just glad that December flew by so fast.... one more month down.... 9 more to go.

2 steps forward, 6 steps back

I feel so overwhelmed right now.... but let me start from the beginning. Yesterday I was rushing around trying to get everything together so that we could go over to Joe's sister's house for Christmas with all of them. While I was trying to make my raspberry jello salad, I discovered that the hot water in the front bathroom wouldn't turn on. I thought that it was weird but paid no attention to it because the faucets everywhere else were working fine. So we went to Susanna's house and I got to talking to Joe's brother (Jay) about the faucet, and he said that it was probably frozen. He told me to go home, open up the cabinet door, and put a space heater in front of it. He said it should fix the problem. So the rest of the night I had a blast. I got to hang out with all Joe's family and really clear my head. It gave me a chance to interact with people over the age of 5. I felt like I had really overcome my Christmas blues. Then I went home, did everything Jay said, and went to bed. When I woke up this morning, I went to check that faucet, and I discovered that not only was the hot water side frozen, but so was the cold water side!! I proceeded to check all the faucets in the house only to discover that the ONLY faucet working was the cold water side in the kitchen!! I have NO hot water. Then I talked to Jay and he told me that pretty much all I can do is sit, wait, hope that it warms up enough to thaw my pipes, and also pray that they don't burst. I am about in tears. I went from being hopeful and optimistic one day to depressed and feeling completely helpless the very next day. And it's just all made worse because Joe's not here. I just feel that if Joe were here this wouldn't have happened. He would have known to leave the faucets running a little bit.... he would be here to help me deal with this. But no... I'm here all alone with no hot water. I miss Joe so bad. I have cried off and on all day. And to top it all off.... I was suppose to leave for my mom's today (because it's suppose to snow tomorrow) but unless my pipes unfreeze by this afternoon... I can't even leave yet!!! I don't know what to do. I feel completely helpless and right now... I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

Big 3 year old = big headaches

Well, Jillian turned three on Tuesday. I was really hoping that some magical transformation would happen once she reached that milestone.... it didn't. I can't figure that girl out for anything. She is defiant, bossy, destructive, down right hateful at times, and the only child I know that will whine and (literally) scream about EVERYTHING from the time she wakes up to the time she is FINALLY in bed. I have tried just talking to her, time-outs, spankings, taking her favorite toy away for a set period of time.... nothing works!! I just thank God that Tyler never gives me any problems. If they were BOTH that way, I'd commit myself! At first I just told myself that she's acting this way because Joe is gone and it's turned her world upside down. But the simple fact is.... she is old enough to know better. If she had just turned 2, I would say that she doesn't know how to express herself. But she has been acting like this for (honestly) about 5 months now. So Joe being gone can't be the cause of all this. Granted it has gotten WORSE since he's been gone, but I'm not about to just let her get away with it. She needs to understand that her behavior is unacceptable and she will receive consequences for it. And it's not just me.... even the babysitter is about to pull her hair out! I just don't know what to do.

My purse came in!!!!

About a month ago I attended an FRG (family readiness group) meeting and a lady there had a purse that had been made out of her brother's uniform... how cool!! She gave me the website where she ordered it so I went to check it out. It was only like $38 to have the purse made which is NOT bad! The best part is that it's made right from Joe's uniform so I can always feel like I'm carrying him a part of him with me. :) AND the purse wasn't suppose to be completed and shipped to me until late next week sometime and I got it in the mail TODAY!!! I about cried when I got it. :) All I had to do was put Joe's rank patch, U.S. Army patch, and the American Flag patch on it and it's good to go!!! I was so excited I had to take a picture of it to share with everyone. :) :) :)

Tyler and Jillian sang some songs at church on Sunday with the rest of the kids in their class. They were SOOO cute!! I'm only going to post the 2nd video (which is my favorite).

Making Christmas Cookies

Tyler wanted to make Christmas sugar cookies and we had a blast. Tyler was so very careful with the sprinkles but Jillian decided to POUR the sprinkles on - lol. The funny part is that when we pulled them out of the oven and started eating them, Tyler looked at me and said, "Mommy... I don't like them. I want chocolate chip ones!" What a bubba.

Our Christmas Tree

Well, I finally decided that whether we could really afford it or not, my kids needed a Christmas tree. So we went to Dollar General and got the cheapest artificial tree I have ever seen. But Tyler said that it looks beautiful, so I guess that's all that matters.

Being broke at Christmas sucks...........

I am so frustrated.... I was all prepared to take the kids to Wal-Mart to get a small artifical tree so they would at least have something. But I stopped the car in my driveway to call my ATM card to make sure that I had enough money. That was when I discovered that my phone had been shut off.... I forgot to pay my bill. It literally came down my phone or a Christmas tree. I hated to do it, but we don't have a home phone.... if I didn't turn my phone on we would have no way for Joe to get ahold of us and no way to dial out if we had an emergency or something. Eleven months out of the year I can scrape by and handle being broke.... but why right near Christmas? And Joe's paycheck on the 15th was suppose to be a lot bigger because his combat pay was suppose to kick in. Well, I checked the status of his upcoming check, and not only is he NOT getting his combat pay yet, but his check is going to be even LESS than it has been for the past several months.... as in about $300 less. I am so frustrated. And most of all, I just feel like a horribly inadequate mother for not even being able to get a Christmas tree for my children.

UG.......

It's amazing how one moment I am incredibly motivated, and then 20 minutes later I don't want to do anything. About 45 minutes ago I actually got the motivation to go pull the Christmas decorations out from the workshop. With Joe being gone, I have had absolutely NO desire to decorate. So I decided to take advantage of my sudden change of mood. I pulled out all the decorations but then when I got back in the house, I realized what a moot point decorating would be. My house is a wreck. And there is absolutely no point in decorating a messy house. But I CERTAINLY wasn't in the mood to clean my whole house and THEN decorate, so now the box of decorations is sitting in my dining room.... completely untouched. We'll see if I get around to it.... so much for getting into the holiday spirit.

Worry

I think my biggest flaw as a person, is that I worry 24/7 about EVERYTHING. I just wanted to post a blog of a bunch of different Bible verses that help me try to see through all that. Just a way for me to write it down in a sense and maybe get it through this thick head of mine.

Philippians 4:6-7 (New Living Translation)
6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:7 (New Living Translation)
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

Luke 12:25-26 (New Living Translation)
25 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 26 And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?

Matthew 6:31-33 (New Living Translation)
31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

1 Peter 5:7 (New Living Translation)
7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Deployments SUCK

I hate how secretive the military is!!! I understand why they do it, but I can't grasp the EXTENT to which they do it!!! I can understand why the soldiers can't tell anyone the exact time of their departure... that I get. But why on God's green earth can't they tell you that they have to leave to go PEE?!?! I was online talking to Joe and he said that he had to go because he had to pee and eat. I asked him when he would be online later and he said, "I can't tell you that. Honestly, I wasn't even suppose to tell you why I was getting offline." How stupid is that?! I'm am sorry, but I HIGHLY doubt that Al-Qaeda cares when and where Joseph King goes pee! It just makes it really hard to talk to him because he can't tell me about ANY part of his day!! And then before he flew out to Afghanistan, I told him that I would try my absolute hardest to not bitch to him as much about what I hate about the military and about what sucks in my life. So then, if he can't tell me about his life, and I'm not allowed to bitch about mine.... WHAT ARE WE TO TALK ABOUT?!?! We literally have conversations about the weather there, the weather here, Jillian's bowel movements, and not much else! I can understand not being able to talk about the big things like their missions and what their movements are, but why can't they at least talk about the little things?! Honestly, I do to a small degree like the fact that he's not able to tell me about the big things. Because I would be worried sick if I talked to Joe and he said, "Well, I have to go. We have to go deliver supplies and we'll be crossing over 4 enemy territories while we're at it." So that much I'm glad I don't know about. But I hate that I can't even know when he'll be back online to talk to me! For instance: Joe called me on my phone about 45 minutes ago and the connection was bad so he said he would call me back in just a little bit. That was 45 minutes ago!! It's not like I can call him! I tell you what..... deployments SUCK!!

Missing my sweetie....

Well, Joe's plane left at about 3 AM this morning. So I spent about an hour bawling my eyes out in the middle of the night. I try to hard to trust that he's going to be safe, but the truth is... no one really knows for sure. I know that a TON of people are praying for him, but what if it's God's will that he not come home? I'm sorry, but God's will or not, I just can't accept that. I can't imagine my life without him. He is the very core of this family and my house just feels empty and lonely without him here. Some days (like today) I just can't function. I've cried off and on all day and I can't seem to make myself focus on something else. I think the hardest part is knowing that I won't be able to call him. If I'm lonely and missing him terribly, I'll just have to sit and pray that he'll call me. I won't be able to send him text messages just telling him that I love him, I won't be able to talk to him as long as I want, I won't even be able to hear his voice for probably about a week. Okay... now I'm crying again. I never thought I could ever love him as much as I do. And now that abundance of love is just causing me an abundance of pain. I love him so much and I hate that he is half a world away. But all I can do is pray, and pray, and pray.

JOE'S COMING HOME EARLY!!!!!

I am SOOOOO excited!!! Joe was due to fly in tomorrow morning at 10 AM but we found out last night that they were going to be released today at noon... which only left me frustrated that his flight was leaving SOOOO much later than they were being released. But I prayed and told God that I was still going to be thankful. So I prayed until I fell asleep just telling God that I am thankful for all he has provided us and that I was thankful that I would at least get to see him on Tuesday. Then I got a call from Joe today at about 9:00 AM saying that his brother is going to front him the money so that he can change his plane ticket and fly in TONIGHT!!! AMEN!!! God is SOOOO good!! I will get about 12 more hours with him now!! So instead of having just a half day with him on Tuesday, I get the WHOLE DAY!!!!!!!!! I have been pretty much on cloud 9 all day and doing everything I possibly can to try to waste time until I can leave at 9:00 to go get him. :) I tell you what though... it's going to be weird sharing the bed again - lol. But DEFINATELY a good kind of weird. :)

My prayer for our soldiers...

As the first of December gets closer I find myself becoming more and more worried with each passing day. I will admit that the "what if" of losing Joe has definately crossed my mind a few times. The Illinois National Guard alone has already lost 3 soldiers in the last 6 months... that's not a number that I'm very happy with. I've definately cried myself to sleep a few times over this, but I try to remind myself that worrying won't do Joe or I any good. So every day I say a prayer for our soldiers.....

Lord, give them the strength to do what needs to be done. Give them the wisdom to know what to do in tough situations. Give them the energy & mental awareness that they need even though they've been going for three days straight. Grant them peace even though they are half a world away from all their loved ones. Help keep their minds clear so that they can get the job done and come home safely. And most of all, let them know how much we love them and can't wait for fall 2009 when we can welcome them ALL home. **Amen**

14 months

It's amazing how little insignificant milestones suddenly become an occasion for tears. Today is 14 months for Joe and I.... nothing major... not even a year and a half, but it just made me realize that he's not even here. We wouldn't even do anything special if he were here, but I would at least get a kiss. I miss his kisses. :'( It's really funny how you even start to miss the things that you hated. I would do anything to have him home. I'm so worried about him going over to Afghanistan. They have already lost 3 Illinois National Guard soldiers over there. Tyler and I pray for him every single night but I can't help but worry.

And THEN there's the issue of keeping on top of my house! UG!! I'm sorry, but I work basically 6:30-4:30 Monday through Friday and when I get home, the VERY last thing I want to do is clean! In my mind, there is one of two options... clean, or spend time with my kids. And I've tried so hard to motivate myself to get stuff done on the weekends, but then I feel that the weekends are my time to be lazy. I mean, I feel like I moved a mountain if I am able to do my dishes 2-3 times a week!! Let alone keep the ENTIRE house picked up and orderly! What do I want for Christmas? A maid... for FREE!!!!! But I don't even know if I could get a maid... she'd walk in the door, look around, and say, "I QUIT!!!" I just wish my mom lived closer, she would be over in 10 minutes to help. I guess I just hate not having friends or family here.

But anyway.... I'm done complaining. I guess I better get off of here and maybe try to make a trail through the jungle I call my bedroom.

camera & FRG meeting

Good news! Joe's sister found my camera!! I was SOOO relieved!! With Joe coming home for a visit the end of the month, I did NOT want to be without a camera! Especially since we'll be doing a shortened version of all birthdays and Christmas while he's home.

And I went to a FRG (family readiness group) meeting today and that went really well. We helped stuff stockings with goodies to send over to the soldiers for Christmas and then we also got to watch a DVD that they put together for the Soldiers and it has some pics of the families and the troops, and at the end, they had the music video to 3 Doors Down "Citizen Soldiers". I added the song to my blog page, but I HIGHLY recommend going on YouTube to see the actual video! I BAWLED my eyes out when we watched it. 3 Doors Down actually made the song SPECIFICALLY for the National Guard... which is really interesting. It's probably one of my favorite songs now. That and "Come Home Soon" by SheDaisy... which is also one of the songs in that MP3 player thingie. It will give you something to do for a little bit anyway. ;)

I think that's about it for today. Take care!

Updates

Well, I went to the Halloween party this past weekend and had a BLAST!!! The girl I thought I would be borrowing my costume from decided not to answer my calls, so I ended up with no costume 24 hours before the party! But Joe's sisters took care of me. ;) They dressed me up as an 80s girl. They said I looked like the girl from Flash Dance if that means anything to you. I have NEVER seen my hair that big!! They put my hair in hot rollers, put a TON of hairspray in it and teased it until it was HUGE! Then my outfit was a pair of shiny purple pointy toe high heels, purple tights, black leg warmers, a jean mini-skirt, a purple tank top, a sweat shirt with the collar cut out so that it hung off my shoulder, and then a TON of jelly bracelets!! I looked like I stepped right out of an 80s movie! Unfortunately, I can't find my camera at the moment so I will post more pics when I can. Until then, here's a pic that one of the girls at the party took of all the girls... it will give you a general idea of my outfit. ;) Joe's sister, Jolena, is the one in the blue, and his sister Sarah is the one in green. So in the mean time... pray that Joe's sister finds my camera!

Photo Tag

So Lee did this first, and I'm still trying to figure out the ins and outs of this, so I guess you're suppose to open the 6th folder in your pics and upload the 6th picture in that folder and then tag 6 people. I only have 2 people on here and Lee already tagged me, so I guess Shannon's it!! :)

I just think it's funny that my 6th picture in the 6th album happened to be a picture of the 3 of us. :)

Election Day

Well, I have been ordered (by Joe) to check on CNN.com every 20 minutes or so to check the election updates. I voted on the 29th to avoid Election Day mayhem and Joe sent in his absentee ballot a week ago. We both voted for McCain but I'm certain that Obama will win. No matter how much us Republicans want McCain in office, he won't get it. I've been predicting Obama even before he won the nomination over Hillary. So like it or not, I'll keep watching the polls. Plus Joe keeps text messaging me every half hour or so to find out what the latest results are.

But anyway... I start on the bus with the kids tomorrow! I will start out as an attendant and then while I'm doing that in the morning and afternoon, I'll train for a bus driver from 9-12. So my days are going to be CRAZY for awhile. I feel kinda bad for the kids because they'll be at the babysitter from like 6-12 and then from like 2:30-5:00 every single day (except weekends) until I'm ready to start full time as a driver. But it will be worth it. Plus they're hoping that it will only take 2-3 weeks to get me on as a driver. So please pray for my sanity in the mean time!! I am just worried sick about getting my CDL. I need to get my CDL permit first, and to be honest.... I haven't even begun to study for it. I'm so nervous! I haven't had to take a driving test in 8 years!!!

And Joe comes home for his visit soon!! I can't reveal exactly when, but it's less than a month away now... I'm SOOO excited!!! He will only get 3 days home which STINKS but at least we get that. We're going to celebrate his birthday, Tyler's birthday, Jillian's birthday, and Christmas all in one day while he's here - lol. I have a feeling that we'll end up flat BROKE once he goes back. But Tyler is just happy that he'll get to celebrate his birthday with Joe. :)

Oh! And speaking of Joe... Tyler has decided that he wants Joe to be his daddy. He had a melt down yesterday because he couldn't understand why his dad isn't around. I tried to explain that his dad is selfish and doesn't think about anyone but himself. He said, "But Joe's not selfish!!" And I told him that that's how it should be and I was sorry that his dad wasn't that way. So Tyler looked at me and said, "Can Jillie share?" I asked him what he ment and he said that he would like Jillian to share her daddy. He said, "I want a daddy who's here. I want a daddy who's not selfish." Joe about started crying when I told him. Then when I went to put Tyler to bed, he told me, "I can't wait for Joe to come home... then I'll have a daddy at MY house!" So sweet. It's funny though because Tyler is still so use to calling Joe "Joe" that he'll talk to Joe on the phone and call him Joe and then correct himself and say, "Oh wait... I can call you daddy. I forgot." I'm happy that Joe has made such a great impression on Tyler. He really needed a positive male figure in his life.

But anyway... I'm going to go now. I really should pick up my room, but House comes on in 8 minutes and that's FAR more interesting! :)

Last day at Sears!!!

Well, I have worked for Sears for a year & 8 months and today I finally quit! I am SOOO glad to be free of that place! A year and 8 months and I never got a single raise... pretty bad. Plus my supervisor is a real witch. Honest... she didn't even have to dress up for Halloween! I'm just glad to be on to bigger and better things. A bus driver might not be the "what I want to be when I grow up" type of job, but it STARTS at $9.25 and I will never work nights, weekends, or holidays! So it's basically PERFECT for people with kids! The only thing is that getting to work by 6:15 AM will take some getting used to, but it will all be worth it. :)

I am also going to Joe's sister's Halloween party this coming weekend and I am SO excited for that!! I absolutely adore Joe's family so that will be a nice distraction. Plus it's kid-free, so that will also be a nice break. Joe's sister is such a sweetheart. I told her that I didn't think I'd be able to make it due to lack of a babysitter and she took it upon herself to find a sitter to watch the kids at her house while we went to the party at her mother-in-law's just 10 minutes away. I LOVE his family!! And we're also doing a scavanger hunt which are always a TON of fun!! I haven't done a scavanger hunt since my freshman year of college!! So yeah... I'm pretty excited. :)

But anyway... I'm going to end this one for now. CSI: Miami starts in 5 minutes and I don't want to miss it. ;) Take care!

Loneliness sucks....

I've never done a blog before, so I'm kind of new at this, but here goes nothing...

Joe deployed the beginning of October and I've been having a pretty hard time coping. I knew what I was getting into when we first started dating, but NOTHING can prepare you for this. It'd be easier if I knew that he was gone for a year on a business trip. But how can you ever expect to prepare yourself for being away from the love of your life for a YEAR and not even knowing with absolute certainty if they'll come home safe? I know that he is surrounded by prayer more than I probably even know, but I can't help but worry. My secret hope is that Obama will be elected and that he'll send Joe home... he can keep everyone else over there, just send Joe home! Hey, I'm allowed to dream.

I keep being told that I should be thankful that it's "only" a year. Yes, I know that it could be an 18 month deployment and I also know that back in the day they were gone for YEARS. But how can anyone expect me to be THANKFUL for losing him for a whole year? My son will be a few months away from being SIX by the time he comes home! He won't even be here to go with me for his first day of kindergarten. **great, I'm crying now** I just don't know how people do this. I think the hardest part is that I have no friends here and I'm 3 hours from my family. I get so lonely. My kids are great, but there's only so much conversation you can get from a 2 or 4 year old. I just don't even know how to function. Most days I feel like I moved a mountain just because I was able to get dinner on the table without it being PB&J or Mac & Cheese. More often than not, I just want to crawl into bed and take a 4-6 hour nap. If I didn't have 2 kids, a dog, 2 rats, 2 turtles, my job, a house to keep on top of, and bills to pay... I would never leave my bed. I would lay there all day just praying that I would wake up a year later. But reality sucks.

So anyway... there it is. My first (horribly depressing) blog. I hope the rest of my blog posts won't be so awful. I promise I'll brag about my kids or something next time.